Back to School Reminder: Be Kind. Like Running, It's Good for the Mind and Body

Recently, I stumbled upon the “Scholastic News” magazine in my son’s school “to review “papers/etc. Yeeeesssss. I am that parent. Really? Yes, I really read every paper sent home and e-mail from his school/sports teams/classes, etc.- verbatim. If you know me or have read my blog posts or tweets, I’m sure you’re not surprised. Hence, one of the many reasons I decided to mother one child. Ha!

What was so interesting about the “Scholastic News” magazine that inspired me to write up a blog post?

This article.

At some point or another, unfortunately, many of us have experienced bullying. Using the word “experience” is actually not appropriate, to me, because I find that the word, experience, describes a positive. I’m a big fan of experiences. “Experiences over material items” is my motto. However, when googling “experience”, the dictionary definition that first pops up is:

ex·pe·ri·ence (ˌikˈspirēəns)Noun 1. practical contact with and observation of facts or events. "he had already learned his lesson by painful experience" synonyms:       involvement in, participation in, contact with, acquaintance with, exposure to, observation of, awareness of, insight into
"his first experience of business"  

Verb 1. encounter or undergo (an event or occurrence). "the company is experiencing difficulties"synonyms: undergo, encounter, meet, come into contact with, come across, come up against, face, be faced with"some policemen experience harassment"

As you can read, “experience” is the appropriate word to preface bullying in my sentence. However, I still prefer to use a synonym for experience such as: exposed, faced with, came in contact with, witnessed, encountered or fell victim to… I’m weird or interesting like that. Ha! Words carry a lot of weight for me, so there are several words that aren’t necessarily deemed negative to others, but, to me, the usage of certain words evokes feelings and depending on the strength of the feelings, I choose to use them or omit them accordingly.

Ok, now, that you’ve explained, yet, another, quirk, can you stay on topic?

Ooo-key, do-key. Upon seeing the title of the article, I was immediately intrigued and followed up my read with son, later in the day , by asking him about his thoughts on the article. Yes, I waited. I might be involved, but I'm also self aware and know when and what to bring up. I waited for dinner time. Another must in our family. My husband and I make great efforts at ensuring we have dinner together regularly. Along with books, meals spark conversation. Books and food provide a distraction and creates a relaxed and comforting feeling, so naturally, we are more candid. Good food and good company eases conversation- humorous and serious. He’ll thank me for this, one day. At least, I hope, he will find my parenting beneficial to his future. If not, I’m definitely not doing a good job.

Lucky, you, I decided to share my thoughts with you, too! Ha!

 I’m extremely passionate about this topic. In fact, I decided to read the book, Wonder by R.J. Palacio to my son this summer. Yes, of course, I still read to him. I’m a believer that you are NEVER too old to be read to. In fact, it's romantic to read with a significant other. But, this is a different post, so I won't go there. He he he 

The magic of the written word is enhanced when shared aloud. Plus, fluency, vocabulary, and comprehension greatly improve when a parent/teacher/mentor/friend/peer/sibling reads with a child. Shared reading opens up dialogue, vocabulary can be explained, and, of course, fluency and expression are enhanced by listening to others read. Especially, if the other reader is a person with more life and educational experiences. Most of the important issues that need to be discussed with my son are introduced with a book. Books create the ideal segue to discuss and inquire candidly, without shame or hesitation about some of the most difficult and serious issues. It helps the child/person feel understood and not alone. If a book is written about a topic or issue, it makes the reader feel heard and not alone in their struggle or need for understanding of a particular issue.

Back to the topic, Karina…

Yes. Right. Back to the point of my post. Still working on staying on topic.

Ok. Yes, the article. Well, as I read the article, I was pleased that my son’s teacher shared the article with her 6^th grade class at the start of the school year. The start of the school year is the perfect time to discuss the issue of bullying. Especially, this generation. A generation faced with too many outlets of potential exposure to bullying. In addition to the potential for bullying from exposure to people who feel more confident to make demeaning and hurtful commentary behind a screen, 6^th graders are in the most difficult stage of their lives. As a newbie to social media, I am quickly learning this, too. But, the positives outweigh the negative, so I will remain on Twitter.

Yes. You read correctly. I know, you, like me, have heard time and time again that adolescence is the most difficult time in development for parent and child. However, I disagree.

What?! You disagree?! Lady. How can you disagree when you don’t have an adolescent?

Easy. I was one. Eons ago, but I have gone through all the life stages. Ok, ok,  maybe not all the stages since I’m only in middle adulthood, but I have experienced childhood, pre-adolescence, adolescence, and early adulthood well enough to know which stage was the most difficult. Plus, I have studied and worked with all age groups in a clinical, educational, research, and personal level. No. My conclusion is not based on a specific study. However, it does involve scientific research because I’m continually reading about development and can make my own inferences based on what and who has been researched.

While, yes, adolescence, and all the other phases in life are challenging. Everything in life has positives and negatives. We all understand this part of life. However, I often find myself chatting up a storm with my sister and mom friends about how much I feel the most challenging phase of development is between the ages of 10-12. While, I still consider this age childhood and really I wish our society would, too. I know. I know I have strong opinions about many issues. And, this could really be an entire book based on my thinking and research, but for now, I will remain on topic. 

Oooookkkk, lady… Get on with your post… Will ya?

Ha! Problem Child humor. One of my favorites as a school age girl. The actual line is: “Well, hurry the hell up, will ya? I ain’t getting any younger.”, but this is the closest I found in my google search.

Yes, back to the point of my post.

Why do I feel 10-12 year-olds are in the most difficult phase of their lives?

This is the age, I think, they face the most disparity in mind and body changes. While adolescence is a transition from a confusing phase in which they are rushed much too early into adulthood. So, too, are the ages from 10-12. However, as adolescents, the transition from childhood to adolescence has already occurred, so the shock is lesser for them than the 10-12 year age cohort.

Witnessing these changes, first hand, as a mom to an 11 year-old and aunt to several in the same age group, along with my previous professional experience, I conclude this, 10-12,  as the time when most long-term thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are established. As children transition into the middle-school years, there is pressure to fit in. This is when children with older siblings learn about clicks and societal/cultural expectations. What is cool? What isn’t? In fact, I believe the new term for cool is “sick”. The first time I heard, “That is sick…!” I thought "sick" meant, ill, not feeling well. But, I was quickly brought into the hip lingo of 2016. It means cool or rad for those that lived their adolescence in the 90’s and 80’s.

Ha! When living the childhood/adolescent phase, we never think we will forget how to act cool/rad, but I guess becoming a parent means being the opposite of cool/rad or now, “sick”. As an aside, I don’t like that word as a synonym for cool. It doesn’t make sense to me. But, I guess my generation’s style/language at the time didn’t make sense to our parent’s generation, either. It is part of the rite passage into the world of “no longer a child, but I still want and need to be a child".

Enough with the jokes and humor, Karina...

Although, we all know humor is a way to deal with and discuss difficult issues, I will return to the difficult issue of bullying minus the humor. 

Bullying in the 10-12 year-old age group. 

Often, and sadly, children at this stage are feeling conflicted with their mind and body changes. They want to remain children, but at the same time, peers, society, media, and other sources are telling them to grow up. I wish they didn’t receive these messages at such a young age because this is the time when they are trying to figure out what they really like and who they are, but forced into an almost adult role confuses them. They feel rushed to make decisions about their futures.

Hence, my reasoning for reading Wonder with my son this summer. In addition to moving to a new house, new community, new school district, he also began sixth grade. Fortunately, this school district understands child development and middle school begins in 7^th grade, not 6^th grade like most districts follow. All these changes can bring about a myriad of feelings, thoughts, and emotions which is why my focus during our move was on my son’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Everything else, the unpacking, and organizing can be taken slowly because there is no benefit in having an impeccably organized home soon after a move if the emotions, feelings, and thoughts, primarily, those of an 11 year old are not placed as primary focus.

What does this have to do with bullying?

Bullying behaviors are a result of anger, unhappiness, and low self-esteem. A confident, secure, happy child is unlikely to engage in bullying behaviors or seek approval. Hence, they are not likely to go along with the crowd if there is bullying taking place. And, most importantly, confidence and self-esteem is needed for all children because if a child is confident , the response to bullying behaviors will be positive. A child who is confident and secure will step up and not go along with teasing and have a plan if bullying is taking place. We all play a role in ending bullying. As parents, we need to remind our children that bullying is NEVER acceptable. Along with teaching it's not acceptable, we should guide them and give them a plan, just like we give them a plan in case of an emergency (fire, earthquake, etc.) 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my goal is to raise a happy, healthy, and kind person. While those three adjectives describe my son, I must continue to nurture them, especially, right now, at this age and with a major change like a move. I am beyond happy to see him adjusting so well to the move. He has formed new friendships and is greatly enjoying his time in school. Of course, like most children, he would prefer to be on long term summer vacation, but focusing on his thoughts and feelings related to our move have greatly aided in his continual happy, healthy, and kind outlook on life. I'd be happy to detail how I achieved a smooth transition, but it would require several blog posts. If I can think of  a way to condense what I did to plan for a smooth transition, I promise to post. If not, maybe it will go on my list of book ideas. I can tell you this, it's not easy, but like anything worth while, it took dedication, planning, and doing what I know is best instead of what is expected.

You are over thinking, lady.

I may sound extreme, but the more I spend time with my son, his peers and nephews in this age group, the more I feel saddened by the rush to get them to the next phase in life. There is a reason why the statement, “They have the rest of their lives to be adults” is a cliché. It’s true! Cliches are cliches because there is truth to them. Childhood and its intended innocence is being rushed much too quickly. Maybe it has always been this way and I’m only noticing it now because so many of the people I love are going through this life changing transitional phase, but I don’t think so.

The numerous sources of media, influences, and messages at their disposal are forcing this generation to mature much too quickly which brings me to the reason for this post. Along with feeling pressure to mature at a rapid rate, they are feeling and observing the messages telling them to be “sick”. Remember, that’s their saying for hip/cool/rad. Of course, we all went through a society and culture where image and being hip/cool/rad/sick was sold to us, too. But, with this age group, embedding and reminding to always choose kindness is most important right now, the start of their 5^th-6^th grade transitions. I term this generation, the phone/media/all access generation because they are exposed to technology and media on a constant. I was against smart phones for a long time because of the freedom it takes away. Having a smart phone gives others the expectation that you are available all the time. No longer can children and adolescents have time to fully disconnect from their everyday stressors. Phones, modern video game consoles, and social media make it difficult to be “unavailable”.

While there are many positives to technology and social media, the message to fit in begins much younger for this generation. While they are trying to figure out their mind and body changes, they are also being bombarded with messages to fit in with what is “sick”. If they are exposed to certain messages (some not so kind or positive) from people they admire, unkindness, and bullying can result. Their minds are still developing, deciphering between appropriate and not appropriate behaviors and reactions when faced or confronted with differences.

As a mother to a child in this age group, there are still many instances when I am needing to explain differences in views, ideas, cultures, societies, families, etc. If a child doesn’t have an understanding or exposure to differences, the natural reaction is to feel uncomfortable. What do many of us do when uncomfortable? We feel fear which leads to reacting with fear (laughter, miscommunication, anger). If one child laughs or feels uncomfortable when encountering another student/s with differences, the reaction might be negative. However, by providing our children with a foundation of the possibilities for differences in appearance (hormones begin to play a role in physical changes and differences in start of puberty), thinking, and abilities, they can feel prepared and ward of reactions or following reactions of others resulting from uncomfortable and/or fearful feelings. It is also a great opportunity to explain that having uncomfortable and fearful thoughts and feelings to what is different form their family is a normal reaction. However, how we behave and react must be kind. Unless, of course, the other person is doing or saying something that can hurt them or someone else.

As a parent, this is the stage of development I was fearing. Not the toddler or teenage years, this age. The age that I think has a great impact on future thoughts, feeling and actions. Of course, the early years, first five, and really all years are important. But, this age, 10-12, has the potential to shape a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions with greater depth. I can’t recommend the book Wonder enough to spark dialogue on the issue of bullying. I can go on and on at book length on this topic, but I’ll spare you… Unless you are being hurt or someone else is being hurt, always choose kindness. Acts of kindness leave me with the same feeling a six plus mile evokes. Like running, kindness is good for the mind and body.

I think this is a good message to start the school year.

If we all followed this motto, life would be more like a day at Disneyland instead of driving (idling) in LA traffic. 

"Why Can’t We Fully Enjoy Our Run? It's Our Me-Only-Time."

Initially, I meant to simply tweet about one of the annoyances runners, primarily, female runners are forced to endure. However, as I tried to tweet within the limited characters, I quickly realized that a blog post would be a better platform for this annoying encounter. The annoying encounter I speak of occurred on my way back home after having a lovely, endorphin filled run.

As I’ve mentioned in previous tweets and blog posts, I recently moved into a new city. A city that is mostly runner/cyclist/walker friendly. I couldn’t believe the first time I crossed a main street and was given the right of way, along with a wave and believe it or not, a, wait for it… smile. What?! Uh-huh, you read correctly- a s-m-ile. Am I in Mayberry or an episode of Leave It to Beaver? I'm expecting to hear, "Augh, gee Wally, ..."Am I running in my sleep? I must, because, I was not at all accustomed to such polite and kind behavior from drivers in my previous neighborhood. Fortunately, for me, and all the many runners I have seen while running, walking and exploring my new city, I was NOT dreaming or running in my sleep. Indeed, I’m in runner/cyclist mecca. Running and cycling paths galore?! What?! I can totally get used to this world.

When deciding on neighborhood, we initially focused on schools, only. Our reasoning for moving were the schools, after all, great schools were way up high on our list of importance. Thankfully, we were outbid on several of the homes in our first neighborhood choice because that neighborhood did not have the glorious running paths that this neighborhood possesses. After losing out on several homes, we then looked in our new neighborhood. This was the home and neighborhood that had been waiting for us and it is still the same school district. Win-win, right? I agree. It met all our needs and much, much more than we imagined. 

But, there is no such thing as perfection. I quickly learned this while on my run…

What happened?!

Well, what else? What could possibly spoil a female runner’s run? If you guessed rude and disrespectful commentary, you are correct, my friend. Yep. My blissful run was interrupted by a disrespectful driver thinking in his delusional mind that I would enjoy listening to his crude commentary on his observation of my appearance. Unfortunately, this is a problem female runners have endured whether they are pounding the trails and pavement or walking around in their everyday lives.

It's saddening and discouraging that, today, August 12, 2016, we are still forced to endure such degrading, disrespectful, crude commentary and behavior. Why do I say forced to endure? I’m 100% sure that there is no woman in this world that appreciates disrespect, especially, from a self-hating and unkind male stranger. However, unless, we are willing to risk further negative interaction, we endure uncomfortable feelings whether we respond or ignore. In my younger years, I definitely responded with strong commentary hoping to evoke uncomfortable feelings in the men who hate and disrespect themselves so much that they feel a need to make me and other women get a slice of their misery. I continue to reference males because the crude and disrespectful commentary towards me has only been inflicted by men.

While I still want to respond, I don’t. Why? Because, I simply want to get away from that space as quickly as possible. Typically, when encountered with conflict while out and about, my response is usually, "I'm sorry you are so unhappy." However, when the negative interactions occur between men while on a run, not responding seems to be the safest and best approach.

Of course, this never happens when I’m with my husband, but I can’t have him at my side at all times and he’s not a runner. Hire a bodyguard? Ha! That is totally something I would do if I had the extra cash. Ha! Ha! Ha! I’m not joking. Sometimes, I do wish I could hire my brother to run with me. The perfect running partner-super fast and hilarious! Pretty ridiculous, right!? I agree. But, sometimes, it seems that’s the only way, women can fully enjoy all their runs on streets. While I enjoy running on hiking trails, my love for running belongs to the streets. 

As a writer, running on streets provides inspiration-along with human/non-human interactions, the sight, smells, feelings, and taste of the city are everywhere. Additionally, the positive interactions I have experienced and witnessed while running the streets far outweigh the negative. I have stopped to write down ideas several times since I started writing the first book I plan to publish because thoughts overflow. It's probably not ideal for my pacing and time, but waiting until I return home is not an option. Thoughts and ideas loose rawness and vibrancy if I wait too long. As a result, I have added "quick phone writer" to my basket of skills. Ha! I refuse to stop running the streets  because men who hate themselves feel a need to share their disdain and misery for themselves and life with me and other female runners. Fortunately, my new neighborhood’s runner-friendly-running-paths limit the time I spend on main streets.

Until I come up with a better alternative, I will continue to run with my pepper spray, phone, and vigilance because I refuse to give these men the power to ruin my love of street running. I know that 98% of my running experiences and interactions with males on the streets are positive, so I refuse to allow the other 2% to take away my love of running in the beauty of the California sunshine. Additionally, any commentary or response I give them would only inflate their need to hate because, after all, a major reasoning for their commentary stems from a strong need for attention (positive or negative), self-hate, and general unhappiness. Sadly, in addition to desperately craving love and attention, what they need is education and therapy. Perhaps, if they ran, the endorphin release and mental clarity would be a great start to changing their mindset and outlook on life?

Have you experienced uncomfortable interactions while on runs? If so, how did you handle it/them? Have you ever responded to unwelcome male commentary? If so, what was the outcome? Female runners, how do you handle unwelcome commentary/interactions with males on your runs? Male runners, have you ever experienced the same behaviors/commentary from women or other males? If so, how did you handle it/them?